Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
channeling her this year
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?