I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
a lot to unpack here
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what