I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
You Might Also Like
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
This is not me but this is me
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol