Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.