I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[montage of me giving-up]
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Optional boss fight.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.