It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
August 8
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down