I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.