[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.