The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
You Might Also Like
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
One venti cheeseburger please.
🙋♀️