I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Mornin
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead