In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
time machine? you mean a clock?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.