My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”