The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
accurate
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
O Wise One….