man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me