Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb