Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
sigh
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.