Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.