Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes