If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.