I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I can’t stop watching this.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch