BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
channeling her this year
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”