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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
incredible
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”