By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses