[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
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in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.