She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
me and who
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?