domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
You Might Also Like
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage