Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Monday Lisa
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim