People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 馃敟馃寠馃槑馃寠馃敟
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just鈥hat bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don鈥檛 have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i鈥檓 the only one here
CEO: yep
One of my girlfriend鈥檚 bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Because I鈥檓 on a health journey, I鈥檓 no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I鈥檓 now looking for a protein papa. Don鈥檛 make this weirder than I already have.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don鈥檛 believe in vaccines?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!