My birthstone is a marshmallow
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I hope they boil the right one.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute