She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood