I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone