The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
What?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐