(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
This kid will have a bright future.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Always
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
🍞🦆
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.