[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
✌🏽
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *