her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
🛁
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late