I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.