DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
You Might Also Like
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Candles never taste the way they smell
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics