Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
it must be school picture day
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.