When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
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Sunday
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”