Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.