Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed