Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
🔦🌙👣
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.