Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??