date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
You Might Also Like
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Florida be like…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what