Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Just got to our Airbnb!
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”