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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.