I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Spring cleaning checklist…
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!