Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much