I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Terribly Tuesday.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
all that yoga finally paid off
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Hell yeah 👍
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal