A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
What do you hear?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner